Seeds & Stereotypes
Ally and I in Sept 2013
In my previous life, I was also a stepmom. My step daughter from my previous marriage, now 20 years old, got her lip pierced in her early teens. I remember she got a lot of flack about it from adults around her. I told her it was her body so I didn’t have any say over it, and it didn’t bother me. But I told her there was a high probability that some people were going to ASSUME they know what kind of person she was, without even knowing her. She could be upset by it, or she could boggle their mind by showing them who she really was; kind, insightful, helpful and bold.
Ally circa 2014
Moments where we defy what our culture expects of us are opportunities to help those around us stretch how they view “other-ness” or “strange-ness”. We can just go along paying no mind to what others think - and I think there is peace and power in that, I think that can teach a lesson for those who are already observant. We can also gently lead by example, show people that kind, insightful, helpful badass people come in all forms. Sometimes they are quiet, but brilliant with no urge to share their opinions. Sometimes they are shaped differently, physically, while being far healthier than we might be. Sometimes they are deeply devoted to something we think is entirely made up. And they can all be really solid great people we adore. We can’t ever know anyone completely.
When I meet new people, which is very frequently in my work I don’t hesitate to tell them I live in an RV. Usually by the time they have asked me where I live or if I have kids they have already shared something personal and possibly quite painful about themselves. That takes guts. I respond in kind. They ask me where I live and I say “On the south end of Mount Vernon usually, but at the moment we are in Bow/ La Conner/ Concrete. My husband and I live full time in an RV, and we like to travel.” I say this with a gentle smile as I am providing acupuncture.
Some people didn’t even know people lived full time in RV’s. Some people will assume that means a trailer, but doesn’t that mean I am in a run down trailer park? Am I destitute? They assess me quickly again, my appearance, my demeanor, my career. If they don’t say anything in response I leave it at that. They can chew on it however they like.
Usually though the conversation continues and we talk about kids or grandkids they have, and then they find out that I have kids, not of my own blood, but step kids I adore, and I mention that we are a cozy bunch all tucked into the RV when we are together. I try to say this with warmth, affection and humor.
This is the seed I plant in people I am introduced to. My interactions are often intimate and vulnerable. And while it may not seem like much I try to plant that seed in the hopes that people’s brains get to stretch a bit to accommodate a new way of living sustainably.
Conversations like this also help lay the groundwork for the way I schedule my life. When we travel and I am not able to do acupuncture shifts they already know that I live a part nomadic life. They don’t hold me to the same standards that they might to another practitioner. Typically people are interested in where I am going next or they share their memories about visiting a place. I’ve gotten some great tips this way, and I’ve also had some great interactions with people who have also travelled in RVs and trailers across the US.
I am also a type 1 diabetic so I think I have been gently guiding people to reconsider stereotypes for nearly my whole life. I’m good at nuanced nudging. Good enough that it is pretty uncommon to have anyone make a blanket negative statement about who I am or how I live or the disease I have. I don’t mind when they do though, I can usually find a way to stay with them in that moment of reaction and then use humor or candor to share something personal that plants another seed.
One time while I was in acupuncture school in Seattle, 13 years ago, I had a woman ask if I was diabetic. I had an insulin pump on my hip and she recognized it. I said, yes, I had been since I was 7. She responded by saying that her sister was diabetic, but she wasn’t “brittle like that.” The term “brittle diabetes” is associated with poorly controlled blood sugars and almost always accompanied by severe physical deterioration and secondary diseases (complications like: neuropathy, glaucoma, kidney disease & failure, etc). I was 28 years old, slightly overweight and definitely worn out by school, but I was not unwell, and I didn't think I LOOKED unwell. I have been diabetic for 30 years now and I still don’t have any complications. In that moment I was just wearing an insulin pump. You can understand why I was dumbfounded by the implication of it (that I had not taken good care of myself). To me the pump was a way to be on top of my health and take better care of myself. I don’t wear a pump anymore, preferring the manual injections and calculations. I wished there was a way I could tell her how she accidentally just judged me, and unfairly at that. I had to sit with that for a few years before I figured out that there was nothing to say that would correct her opinion, and any attempt would have very likely cut her off from listening to me.
This is basically what my insulin pump looked like.
The truth is people need their assumptions to move through life. We cannot be totally fresh to every situation, reevaluating every moment of our life with no prior judgements guiding our decisions. We need to have opinions and preferences to determine what route we take to get to work or get home. We need to know which one is faster or more enjoyable or is likely to get us stuck behind the long line of train cars. It’s built into how we function.
This can totally serve us with efficiency. It keeps decision fatigue at a minimum. But if we don’t ever question our opinions and judgements we can also be held prisoner to them. One time you take this route a deer jumps out in front of you, and you decide to never take that route again, although 99% of the times you have gone down it it has been pleasant. You were scared by a truck when merging on the highway once and now you avoid the highway. It’s a simple analogy, but our judgements can cut us off from opportunities. And if a lot of your judgements are harsh and they aren’t questioned… it also means you are carrying around a lot of sharp objects in your emotional baggage.
So how do we counter this totally human quality of judgement? I think I have to make it okay that it is there, that I do it, that it serves me mostly. And that when it is hindering me I might not notice it until I bump up against a stereotype that doesn’t really sound like my usual kind voice. Maybe there is more to the story than what I can collapse into my gut reaction to what is in front of me. I try to leave a gap in my thought process that allows me to be uncertain. Most situations don’t actually require me to be 100% certain in order to move forward.
And on the other end of it, when how I live or who I am could fall squarely in someone else’s stereotype box - which is possible a lot of the time now, I don’t wait until I find someone is judging me. I remember that I too have stereotyped people without knowing it. And while sharpness of harsh judgement is much easier to detect in my baggage these days, I’m sure I still judge harshly from time to time, and usually when I do I’m not ready to be challenged. So instead of challenging whoever is in front of me, pointing out how everyone should treat RVers or nomadic people with the respect they deserve I instead try to demonstrate that I respect myself. I am glad to live the life that I do, that it has a unique set of challenges full of funny moments, but that it really suits me. I make room for other people’s opinions because they don’t hurt me. They don’t change what I know to be true about myself or my family. Secretly I am just rebellious enough to enjoy being a counter balance to their idea of the American Dream.